the Last Day of the Year

We're two hours and thirty seven minutes into what is the last day of Year 2018.

 

I should be asleep, but I'm not.

 

Instead I'm here at the desk listening to the soothing sounds of trickling water from the fountain several stories below, feeling the gentle gusts of wind that (finally) are blowing in from the Northeast, even as my fingers move cautiously over the USB keyboard.

 

Yes, several keys on the keyboard of my months-old laptop did not make past the year of 2018. It's so stupid, I tell you, how these things happen. I don't really want to reminisce about it here- I've written about the tragedy of my keyboard- but really, if there would be a symbol, or a representation of how my year has been- it would be this keyboard.

 

In summary I'd say that the keyboard, the laptop, and my year has been: Escape from Total Destruction Leaving Minor Disturbance. 

 

I won't lie- it hasn't been a perfect year.

 

Neither has it been the happiest.

In that sense, it could have been better.

But we don't live in a perfect world, and so it doesn't really matter how good or bad the year is.

 

The only thing is this: I  wish I had the mental capacity, and the alertness (I'm getting sleepy) to reminisce about the year month by month, or quarter by quarter, but I don't. I can't bring myself to think nor reflect about it, and I don't have the gumption to look through the memories either.

 

I tell myself that I'm too pooped to do so, but truth is, I'm afraid to look through the memories and see what has transpired throughout the year. And it is a real struggle between wanting to look at them hard and attempting to just leave them be.

 

I guess I'm still feeling emotional about stuff still.

Part regret, part guilt, part resentment, part confusion, part wishing things could have been better, part wishing that they didn't happen at all, part this and part that.

Yes, it does sound quite melancholic but that's how it is right now for me coming into the wee hours of the last day of the year, and so I'm anticipating a brighter, calmer, more resolute year ahead.