I posted this on Facebook just the other day.
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"It is so easy to mistake companionship for love. They're not the same thing. You can be great friends and great companions with someone- but it is not love. You can even work out a great partnership with someone- but it is also not love. Just because a couple looks united together does not mean they have a beautiful love story. It can be simply that they work well together and make a wonderful team.
I like how the Chinese language puts it succintly. 我是喜欢你呢还是为你心动呢? Apparentl...y 好感,喜欢 and 动心 are all different. Do i have a crush on you, do i like you, or has my heart moved for you? (I know, cheesy, but let's roll with it) When you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Do we like someone or do we love 💕💕 someone? Are we comfortable with someone or are we drawn to someone? The feelings, or 感觉 as the Chinese describe it, arent on the same spectrum.
One can grow into such feelings, yes, and it is possible to have someone who wraps up all three, but also possible it is to have someone who is best acknowledged at a certain level.
I suppose that's as good a question as any to ask ourselves. And also a good question as any before we look at any iconic couple and decide if they have a powerful love story enough to make it our couple goals."
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It wasn'r written on a whim.
For some time now I've come to realize that it is possible for a person to be best friends with someone and yet not feel any love for the person.
Mind, I'm not referring to platonic best friends- that status I understand- in the sense that we might be great friends with someone from the opposite (or same) gender but we'll never fall in love nor enter into a relationship with each other.
What I mean is when you're with someone whom you've never agreed to be mutually platonic- but are best friends.
Best friends are people whom you go straight to when things go downhill. They are the ones who will reach out to you during such times, and whom you will simply jump in and reach out to when messy shit happens in their lives. You're the ones who accompany each other through difficult times, check in with each other from time to time, and are always a text or phone call away.
Best friends are also those whom you interact well with. Things which you wouldn't tell others, you'd tell each other. Secrets to the rest of the world aren't secrets to either one of you. Both of you click. On topics that you differ, you agree to disagree. On topics that are of interest to one but not the other, you gladly listen. Over time, the friendship grows to such a stage that you understand each other well. You accept each other with your own weaknesses and your strengths. You accompany each other and do things together. You even manage to finish each other's sentences and know what each other is saying automatically so much so that many say you both have a strong dynamic.
Then there are best friends whom you might spend the day on day with. Maybe you see each other frequently. Maybe you work together. Maybe you hang out together all the time, and you text each other when you're apart. You might be best friends who share hobbies, chores, and maybe even responsibiltiies together.
You're that shtuck that you're seen together all the time, and people think that you're connected, together, dating, in a relationship, or married.
But, surprise. you might be in one of the above- connected, together, dating, in a relationship, or married- and yet, YET, what you have is not love.
Hard to fathom, isn't it?
How is it possible to be above, and yet not feel love towards each other? How is it possible to be with someone day in day out, to be intimate and sincere and honest with the other, and not love the person at all?
And yet, it is possible.
Very possible.
You may not realize it, but you actually like the person more than you love the person. Sometimes the liking develops into a strong love (mutual or one-sided). Sometimes it stays just there. One doesn't know how it will turn out to be- it is very hard to plan such things- so when it happens, it happens.
It gets a little confusing.
Maybe that's why I like how the Chinese have different terms to describe the various stages.
It becomes very clear when we ask ourselves at which level we are with the other. Are we at the 好感 stage (crush), the 喜欢 stage (like), or have we evolved to the 动心 (lit: heart move) stage? It isn't just a single word "love" that covers all- as how the English language does it in a generic way. (Yes, I know we have vocabulary in the English language as well, but generally we tend to use just one.) In the Chinese language, each word has a different meaning that is used at a different time and for different people.
Do i like someone? Do I love someone? How far will I go for someone? Am I attracted to someone? Has that attraction grown? Will that attraction grow? We get along, but do I love the other? Are we better off as best friends or can we become lovers? Does my heart move for the other? Does my heart still move for you?
And for the empaths amongst us, how do we differentiate between feeling moved for everyone, of moved for just one? In other words, do I really, really love you? Do I really, really care for you and think for you, and are concerned about you, and is that a sincere emotion that is dedicated to you, or are you on the same level as just about anyone else that I feel the same for?
They aren't difficult questions.
They just need time to think through, and they require one to be congruent and honest with your own self.
Of course, it might be redundant to enquire that when a couple is married, or long-married as to whether they love, or like each other- except when there're issues and they want to figure out if the relationship is worth working them out, or not. (Let's not judge- each to his own) Such introspect questions are more for singles, or the unmarried and the uncommitted.
The more certain we are of ourselves, the fairer we will be to the other party/parties, and it becomes easier to agree, and move ahead from there.
Having a relationship hang in the balance is no fun.
Sticking around in a relationship just because you're used to it is also no fun.
That doesn't mean that you automatically break up and go your separate ways.
It means that you know where you stand, and you can either recognize each other as companions, best friends or lovers. If you decide to be best friends even whilst together, so be it. If you want to grow from being just companions to lovers, then there's mutual work to be done.
And if you've shifted 'downwards' from lovers to companions, well, then that's where your own decisions towards commitment (or otherwise) be considered.
Maybe you'll decide it is better to separate.
Maybe you'll decide it is better to stick together and use the years of friendship that you've already forged and re-grow the friendship into a blossoming love.
Either way you know exactly where it is you stand, and you can cease living in confusion with the other, and with yourself.
I'll tell you honestly now that this realization spoke to me.
It made me realize the significance of "listening to your heart" and "feeling the heart move", and as cheesy as it sounds, it meant a great deal to me.
Because I no longer needed to be afraid of paying attention to my feelings, my heart, and to which direction it moved. Neither did I need to be shy about why it moved where it moved.
By the way, even though I've used the Chinese Language, this isn't an Asian thing.
In the Ancient Greek there exist many different words to describe the varying stages of love, or the varying types of love. Theirs, too, is as clear as day, with words such as agape, eros, philia, philautia and so on.
You just need to know which of it you have- for yourself, for those around you, and for the other.
For some time now I've come to realize that it is possible for a person to be best friends with someone and yet not feel any love for the person.
Mind, I'm not referring to platonic best friends- that status I understand- in the sense that we might be great friends with someone from the opposite (or same) gender but we'll never fall in love nor enter into a relationship with each other.
What I mean is when you're with someone whom you've never agreed to be mutually platonic- but are best friends.
Best friends are people whom you go straight to when things go downhill. They are the ones who will reach out to you during such times, and whom you will simply jump in and reach out to when messy shit happens in their lives. You're the ones who accompany each other through difficult times, check in with each other from time to time, and are always a text or phone call away.
Best friends are also those whom you interact well with. Things which you wouldn't tell others, you'd tell each other. Secrets to the rest of the world aren't secrets to either one of you. Both of you click. On topics that you differ, you agree to disagree. On topics that are of interest to one but not the other, you gladly listen. Over time, the friendship grows to such a stage that you understand each other well. You accept each other with your own weaknesses and your strengths. You accompany each other and do things together. You even manage to finish each other's sentences and know what each other is saying automatically so much so that many say you both have a strong dynamic.
Then there are best friends whom you might spend the day on day with. Maybe you see each other frequently. Maybe you work together. Maybe you hang out together all the time, and you text each other when you're apart. You might be best friends who share hobbies, chores, and maybe even responsibiltiies together.
You're that shtuck that you're seen together all the time, and people think that you're connected, together, dating, in a relationship, or married.
But, surprise. you might be in one of the above- connected, together, dating, in a relationship, or married- and yet, YET, what you have is not love.
Hard to fathom, isn't it?
How is it possible to be above, and yet not feel love towards each other? How is it possible to be with someone day in day out, to be intimate and sincere and honest with the other, and not love the person at all?
And yet, it is possible.
Very possible.
You may not realize it, but you actually like the person more than you love the person. Sometimes the liking develops into a strong love (mutual or one-sided). Sometimes it stays just there. One doesn't know how it will turn out to be- it is very hard to plan such things- so when it happens, it happens.
It gets a little confusing.
Maybe that's why I like how the Chinese have different terms to describe the various stages.
It becomes very clear when we ask ourselves at which level we are with the other. Are we at the 好感 stage (crush), the 喜欢 stage (like), or have we evolved to the 动心 (lit: heart move) stage? It isn't just a single word "love" that covers all- as how the English language does it in a generic way. (Yes, I know we have vocabulary in the English language as well, but generally we tend to use just one.) In the Chinese language, each word has a different meaning that is used at a different time and for different people.
Do i like someone? Do I love someone? How far will I go for someone? Am I attracted to someone? Has that attraction grown? Will that attraction grow? We get along, but do I love the other? Are we better off as best friends or can we become lovers? Does my heart move for the other? Does my heart still move for you?
And for the empaths amongst us, how do we differentiate between feeling moved for everyone, of moved for just one? In other words, do I really, really love you? Do I really, really care for you and think for you, and are concerned about you, and is that a sincere emotion that is dedicated to you, or are you on the same level as just about anyone else that I feel the same for?
They aren't difficult questions.
They just need time to think through, and they require one to be congruent and honest with your own self.
Of course, it might be redundant to enquire that when a couple is married, or long-married as to whether they love, or like each other- except when there're issues and they want to figure out if the relationship is worth working them out, or not. (Let's not judge- each to his own) Such introspect questions are more for singles, or the unmarried and the uncommitted.
The more certain we are of ourselves, the fairer we will be to the other party/parties, and it becomes easier to agree, and move ahead from there.
Having a relationship hang in the balance is no fun.
Sticking around in a relationship just because you're used to it is also no fun.
That doesn't mean that you automatically break up and go your separate ways.
It means that you know where you stand, and you can either recognize each other as companions, best friends or lovers. If you decide to be best friends even whilst together, so be it. If you want to grow from being just companions to lovers, then there's mutual work to be done.
And if you've shifted 'downwards' from lovers to companions, well, then that's where your own decisions towards commitment (or otherwise) be considered.
Maybe you'll decide it is better to separate.
Maybe you'll decide it is better to stick together and use the years of friendship that you've already forged and re-grow the friendship into a blossoming love.
Either way you know exactly where it is you stand, and you can cease living in confusion with the other, and with yourself.
I'll tell you honestly now that this realization spoke to me.
It made me realize the significance of "listening to your heart" and "feeling the heart move", and as cheesy as it sounds, it meant a great deal to me.
Because I no longer needed to be afraid of paying attention to my feelings, my heart, and to which direction it moved. Neither did I need to be shy about why it moved where it moved.
By the way, even though I've used the Chinese Language, this isn't an Asian thing.
In the Ancient Greek there exist many different words to describe the varying stages of love, or the varying types of love. Theirs, too, is as clear as day, with words such as agape, eros, philia, philautia and so on.
You just need to know which of it you have- for yourself, for those around you, and for the other.