It's gotten surprisingly hard to write this post.
And the funny thing is that I don't know why.
How difficult, honestly, can it be, for a person to write about an epiphany that she got one evening at the Starbucks of Changi Airport whilst having a meal of cold brew (with milk!) and a breakfast croissant with what I think is ham and cheese?
Maybe I'm not ready to talk about it.
Maybe I'm not ready for the gargantuan thoughts that crop up when I have even the slightest thoughts about it.
But sometimes in life a person must push through...
So, here goes:
I was at Changi Airport Terminal 3 one evening, and not just any evening but the evening of Lunar New Year's Eve.
I had no purpose being at the airport.
I wasn't there to send anyone off.
I wasn't there to welcome anyone home.
But earlier on I had taken a bus from Eunos to Woodlands, and because I didn't feel like going straight home, had taken the bus from Woodlands to Changi Airport instead.
Now, there were many dinner options I could have had at Terminal 3.
But I wanted coffee.
So off it was to Starbucks for a cold brew (with milk!), and a reheated breakfast croissant (because there didn't seem to offer any warm meals)
Did I feel lonely having this meal all by myself over at Starbucks Terminal 3?
Well, yes, and no.
Yes, because even though I'm generally okay to be alone, there're times where I'm not so good, and having meals is one of them.
It's a little embarrassing, yes, but I've never been able to walk confidently into a restaurant and tell the staff to prep "table for one". Neither have I been able to walk into a crowded hawker center, coffee shop or food court amidst a meal time crowd, place my orders, find a table, sit down and eat.
I'm too self conscious for that, and I never know how some of my dearest friends can do just that.
It's so mortifying for me.
But I'm improving.
Especially after the epiphany at Starbucks where I realized that I would rather be alone than to have company that is toxic to me.
"I'd rather be alone than to have to deal with toxicity."
That's the exact line that came to my head as I sat there eating through my croissant and sipping my cold brew.
Yes, I'd rather do things by myself.
Yes, I'd rather eat by myself.
And yes, I'd rather go around by myself.
Better it is that I be alone (from the rare time to time because thank God I have an oppa, a namja and a chingu all rolled into one).
Than to deal with a person who hurts me, disrespects me, insists on full and complete obedience, don't see me as a person, dominates and controls me, and speaks words of toxicity to me (anytime and all the time) as if there are no consequences.
Today is a day where the memory of a person wanting to take my last $50 still rankles in me.
Today is a day where the memory of a person being 'generous' in granting me my last $50 still rises bile in me.
Never have I felt so poisoned as in this last season alone.
I have had no choice but to be attached with such and such a person for the longest longest time, but now emotionally and mentally I've drifted away- or to the very least I'm conscious when words of toxicity come back to haunt me.
I will have to learn to do more things alone.
Like adulting stuff.
Like travel.
Like eating.
It's going to be a process, I suppose, and I trust it will be easier than my over-stressed brain thinks it will be.
But yes, I'd rather be alone and do things alone.
And I pray that this toxicity will never come to haunt me, never return.