To be honest, I don't know if I should be writing about this and I don't know (I'm afraid actually) that it may bring about a consequence which I don't wish to have, but there's perhaps something about this place being the very first picture that I snapped in the year of 2024.
We were there for what I call a maintenance appointment.
Not for me, but for an elderly who, due to very unfortunate circumstances several years ago, went through a bout of depression and so came here to see a Professor whom, thankfully, after all these years, continues to see her elderly patients here at the clinic in the Institute of Mental Health.
Today everything was good, thank God- just the usual round of maintenance medicine required.
However, coming to this place so early in the year made me think about myself, about the year past, and how it had been.
I'm just going to say it as it is.
It wasn't good.
Now I'm not going to say that it was completely bad- that wouldn't be fair to those who love me, those who look after me, those who have helped me and who continue to help me- but I have to admit that not for one day since early January of 2023 have I woken up feeling free and filled with zest to face the day.
I mean, let's start with the fact that Night Owl me who used to sleep at 2am (waking up at 9) now wakes up at 630-645am no matter how late the previous night I've gone to bed.
It's been like this for a whole year, now even more.
I long for a day where I can sleep past 830am.
I long for a day where I can not have to waste a precious hour in the evening speaking to persons whom I don't wish to speak to except for the sake of keeping the person happy (when there was never that much of a need to).
I'm tired of doing things for persons who take up so much of my time that I can't do anything else or have to factor those persons' s*** in.
And I'm tired of wasting a day getting stuff for persons who actually can jolly well do it themselves.
What hurts isn't merely the time and the effort and the hassle.
What hurts is that the appreciation given is just another tool to keep doing.
Still that's something one can try to cope with.
But what makes it impossible is the toxicity.
What makes it difficult to breathe is the level of control administered where subjugation (as a renowned psychiatrist told me) is a way of life.
This is beyond mere control.
This is a situation where persons tell you to do what to do, exactly how to do it, and hell become yours if you do it any other way.
I've not been able to shut out the toxicity that sweeps upon me (in my head!) every time I have to do something for the persons.
Neither have I been able to be comfortable and trusting because whatever interaction carries deep within it deceit, evil, self-centeredness, domination, and malice.
There was a time I stopped the smile in the interactions.
Later I realized it got worse for me when I stopped the smile.
So now I continue the lie to smile.
But tenterhooks and stomach churns do s*** to you.
Perhaps all I long for is to have peace of mind.
Peace of mind to truly be myself without having to 'devote' time to this and that and this and that.
Peace of mind to live without having to balance two lives of which they must never, never, never intertwine.
Tell you honestly?
I want to sleep.
I want to sleep and sleep and sleep.
I won't do it deliberately.
There're visuals that I have that prevent me from trying to fall asleep.
It's not fair to those who love me and those who have helped me if I go through day on day with a black, sourpuss face.
It's also not fair to those who have chosen to help me and solve s*** for me as much as one can.
So even though I'm very, very, very tired, I try to heal.
This battle needs to be won.
And I need to rest, I need to really, really heal.