Reactive Depression

An article on Bright Side that popped up on my Facebook feed alerted me to the existence of a condition known as Reactive Depression. Prior to this I had only known of Clinical Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 

I got curious.

Because for a while now I had been experiencing emotions and symptoms similar to that of both conditions- and yet I knew that it was neither one nor the other.

It was not Clinical Depression.

Having witnessed first hand the behaviour of a person suffering from Clinical Depression, I knew the condition wasn't mine. I hadn't reached a stage where I completely didn't want to get out of bed, have a good meal, read, take a walk, or take a shower. Neither had I reached a stage where I didn't care about my appearance.

And I knew it wasn't PTSD either.

There hadn't been any incident that traumatic to warrant the onset of PTSD. There had been no war, no abuse, no trauma, no shock- nothing so severe that I would have PTSD.

But there was something.

Many a morning I struggled to get out of bed because I was afraid to face the day ahead- afraid- of what the day might bring. Maybe because I knew of what the day would bring- and I was tired of facing it. Even if there were good tasks to be done and I was fine with handling those tasks. I was still afraid.

I had no appetite. Not to say that I get hungry- I did- but I didn't feel like eating too much, and some of my favorite foods didn't seem as tasty as they should have been.

There were panic attacks. Before this I didn't know what a panic attack was. I always thought that it was visible to everyone like an epileptic fit was. Apparently they were not. You couldn't see it from the outside but internally my stomach was in knots, my chest muscles were tight and I was shivering at unexpected moments. 

Not just that. 

I cried at unexpected moments too.  In public, and in private, little tears would suddenly pool at the corner of my eyes and trickle down my cheeks even as I pulled my hood up and used the sleeves of my hoodie to wipe them away.

All in all, there was this air of despondency and gloominess about me. I smiled, yes, to loved ones, to business associates, colleagues, friends, the street cat even, but from moment to moment I would be very conscious of the fact that it was fake. Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't.

I tried to smile.

I tried very hard.

But I guess I'm not that good at concealing my feelings.

Loved ones detected the gloominess in me and tried cheering me up. It worked, for a while, but when alone, the despondency and heaviness settled back again. And still I was afraid to face the day. I dragged myself through the necessary tasks of the day and chugged through the routine.

And then there was this consistent tiredness. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Where once I was able to stay past midnight till 3am in the morning, now I fell into bed as early as 10pm. Where once I found joy in reading, now, even though I tried, it was harder to find the enjoyment. Other than work and meals and errands and facing a consistent barrage of pressure, I had no interest or mood to do anything. I didn't give a s*** about the present moment or the present day.

Eventually it reached a stage where I wanted it ALL TO END. Like, seriously END. I didn't want to carry on another day, another hour, another week, another month. I didn't give a s*** to the months ahead and neither did I give a s*** to what was upcoming. I just wanted it all to be done and over. I found myself telling myself that there was nothing to look forward to and how nice if would be if I slept and slept and slept and didn't wake up again.

Acknowledging that you have suicidal thoughts means that, no matter what anyone tells you, or no matter how  you don't think it is PTSD or Clinical, there has to be some sort of depression somewhere. And even if it were not, there would have to be something.  

That's how the awareness of Reactive Depression came in.

It is a condition that demonstrates symptoms no different from the clinical diagnosis we call Depression, except that the causal circumstances are different.

To put it clearly, Reactive Depression is a category of clinical depression and refers to an inappropriate state of depression that is precipitated by events in the person's life arising as a consequence of severe life events. 

But It isn't the same as Grief. 

And the main distinguishing factor is that whilst clinical depression may be brought on by biological reasons or various other reasons, this state of mind termed Clinical Depression has to be brought on from a specific situation that has occurred in your life.

A good number of scenarios place the element of Loss as the key determinant. Whether it be a change of environment, a loss of a family member and loved one, moving house, a change of job, illness, or a  traumatic incident whichsoever it might be, as long as there was the element of loss, yes, it might be Reactive Depression.

And yes, as I've written a few articles earlier, there HAD been the element of Loss in my life not too long ago. 

The description totally fit.

Surprisingly, the definition of what it was that I was experiencing actually brought me a sense of quietness, as in, I knew what was going on, I knew what was happening, I knew why I felt this way and that everything I was feeling wasn't as scary as it initially seemed to be. It also meant that "It too would pass", that "it was not permanent" and that I had something to look forward to, and even though the experts said that it usually lasted a few months with therapy, maybe I could try make it finish off in two... or just a little bit more than two- without therapy, thank you.

PS: If this article sounds disjointed, well, I say let it be and to heck with structure and concise content etc etc etc

Dan Ryan's Brunch

 

Many a place there is in this country where one can go for a spot of brunch these days- as much as a brunch eater am not I- quite a few of them I have, in fact, been.

 

Amongst one of my favorite places for brunch is Dan Ryan's.

Nestled at a quiet, unobtrusive place off Orchard Road near Tanglin Mall and the Botanic Gardens, this place offers what I'd casually describe as American cuisine. You know how some places offer you the Texan country vibe? This one offers a vibe that has me thinking of Chicago and a hint of moose country.

The mains for lunch and dinner are extensive. Steak- done whichever way you prefer, salmon- I think it is either grilled or pan fried, pork chops, battered fried fish,  grilled (I think) trout, rosemary chicken, lamb chops and, yes, sandwiches- including a Philly cheesesteak one that I think they added only last year.

As much as I like the mains, the sides (creamed spinach!) and the desserts (American style apple pie, anyone?), however, their brunch offerings are what I particularly favour, so much so that I would actually much prefer going there for brunch rather than dinner.

Don't mistake me, Dan Ryan's has a great dinner vibe. Their bar is in house, so you get soccer games playing on the ceiling mounted television, they've got great dining booths for some private conversation, and everything is done in the fine-dining way.

What helps the decision for brunch, however, is the fact that their brunch hours on Saturdays and Sundays stretch from 11am all through to 5pm- and so there's no rush and I can make it brunch, late lunch, or early dinner.

When I do manage to make it for their brunch hours, I'm often caught in a quandary between their pancakes and their Eggs Benedict.

Their pancakes come served either plain or blueberry, in portions of three, and have butter, jam and maple syrup on the side. Perfect for a pancake lover like me. The dilemma, though, comes in the form of the portions. Each pancake is huge, and although I would love to have three fluffy pancakes made from scratch all for myself, the whole platter can get a tad overwhelming.

It would make perfect sense if I had someone to share the pancakes with me, but I don't. My dining companion orders one thing, and one thing only whenever we brunch there.
Steak and eggs.

Plus an additional order of French Onion Soup.

Can't say I disagree with the choice- for someone who fancies steak, and who favors protein over carbs, Steak and Eggs is excellent. You get the steak done whichever way you like, you get the eggs which you can choose however you wish to, and there is the toast where you can have white, wheat or rye. My companion always has the steak medium rare, the eggs sunny side up, rye bread (it being more interesting than wheat or white) and a side of sweet potato fries.


And so, although I really, really, really do love the pancakes, more often than not, I end up going for the Eggs Benedict instead. The portion is just as huge- two perfectly poached eggs above two slices of ham topped with Hollandaise sauce, two English muffins that I have on their own with a thick serving of butter and a dollop of strawberry jam.

Bus Ride Sights: more West!

Going by the number of pictures here, it would come as no surprise to anyone if I said that the bus route I took on this day was one of the longer ones spanning cross-country from one end of the island to the other.  

 

There are few, if none, short bus routes when one begins the journey from Jurong East with a destination on the northeastern end of the country. Well, there are one or two which cut right across the island diagonally, but they weren't the ones I took today.

I've always loved long bus rides. Between the subway and the bus, I like the bus, and if there's no time constraints, the longer the better.

 

Long bus rides are great for listening to music, chatting with friends, gazing at the scenery, stoning, and daydreaming.  Two out of three I was doing that day until I suddenly realized that the bus was traveling on a route I seldom took, and so decided to stop daydreaming and capture the scenery instead.

 

I must have begun somewhere around the West Coast Highway, or maybe near the Jln Buroh area, but I know for certain there was the West Coast estate area, the Haw Par Villa area, Pasir Panjang, Alexandra Hospital, Alexandra Road, Queensway, Queenstown and Havelock Road.

Amongst some of the most memorable pictures would probably be that on the Queensway flyover overlooking the expressway- as it isn't possible to walk there, the blocks of flats hidden behind the trees- one doesn't always get such a perspective, and the trees on this open field space where no one really goes and which used to be the old KTM railway train route that has been now converted into the Green Corridor.

Bus Ride Sights: a bit of the West

 

These pictures were taken at what feels to me now like a very, very long time ago. Well, five months isn't that long a time, but not that short it is, either. Where we were going to, I now don't remember- it might have been Orchard- but I know for sure we'd begun from Jurong East.

 

After all, we'd been to the Ng Teng Fong hospital there.

 

The journey here is only part of the route that we'd actually taken- halfway I quit taking pictures- can't recall why- but which covers places that are easy to recognize as being on the West side. There's a distinct vibe being in the west side.

 

It's not laid back like the east, but it's a little more rugged, a little more jungle, a little more forested. Maybe it is the way the MRT tracks are built. Or the greater presence of trees. The West side, after all, seems to have kept its greenery much more natural and spontaneous than say, the Central, or the South. 

Farewell, big TV..

 

We've not had a television in the officetel for five months now. This one you see above was our last one. and chances are, it is going to be our last one for a fairly long time to come.

There is very little reason to purchase a new television. We don't watch local programming very much (save for the news channel and the bylines running across the screen) and maybe a few significant variety shows like the Chinese New  Year countdown or those flashy and fun ones from China. And although you can say HDMI is always useful, we don't often do large scale presentations or Skype videocalls on it either. The mobile, and the laptop more or less cover it all.

The only thing that I do miss is the Vasantham Channel. It was my go-to source even for weekday entertainment, and I must have watched quite a good number of dramas and movies, new and old, on it. As long as there were subtitles I was good. Very easy, very light entertainment for me. I watched quite a bit of Suria too, and always caught a fancy with the dramas brought in from across the Causeway. It was lovely seeing all the cosy homes and the expanse of fields and grass and trees. 

Will I miss the TV?

In a way, yes, for it has been with the company more than ten years, it has seen a number of road shows, it has seen a number of exhibitions, and it definitely has had its place at the front of a tiny little shop space at Selegie that was situated adjacent to a LAN shop. I don't know how many times we looped the portfolio of videos, and it's been so long I can't even recall what the ROI that our self-advertisement efforts did bring. Even if I know it did bring in something.

Many, many stories this TV would have told, some pleasant, some not so pleasant, but at this stage, one really doesn't remember everything, and the time has come where one has to evolve technologically, where it is no value to buy even a set top box, and so it shall be.

McDonalds!!!!

 





I might have had this Big Breakfast at either Bras Basah, East Coast Park, Siglap or Bedok- it has been a few months now and I don't really remember- but the location where I had it pales in importance to the fact that I woke up early enough on a weekend for breakfast at McDonalds.

I am not an early riser, in the sense that unless I have an important appointment, or if I have a plane, bus or train to catch, you won't find me bright-eyed and cheerful at the crack of dawn all ready to start the day. I don't even wake early when I'm on vacation- unless I have to. 
But tell me that we are going to McDonalds for our morning meal and  I *would* actually wake up early- like half past six maybe.

Trust the power of warm memories, nostalgia, holidays, and hot cakes slathered with butter and sweet syrup.

Sure, I know it is junk food, and everything on the Styrofoam plate is as artificial as one can imagine, but just as it was for me when I was growing up, having a morning meal here is a very rare thing. As a child, having a meal here was a luxury- the meals here weren't as affordable as they are now and we were prudent in our finances- so I think I had breakfast here like maybe five times a year.

If my family came here, it meant that it was a holiday, or it was a weekend where we had gone cycling at East Coast Park and they had decided to splurge at the McDonalds there instead of going straight back home.

Now as an adult, even though the price stands within the safe range, it has become a lil of a health thing where one just has to control the intake, and so the times I've had morning meals here are more or less the same, perhaps lesser still.

What remains the same too is that if I had to share my order with my family when I was young, I continue to share my meal with my dining companion now. For entirely different reasons, of course, but hey, no difference there!

So kindly don't be a prig about healthy eating and begrudge me the joy of having hot cakes, scrambled eggs, the muffin, the hash brown, and the sausage patty.

Don't begrudge me the joy of being able to slather the (butter) all over the hot cake and then cut it up into triangular shaped and rectangular shaped pieces before dipping it into the (maple) syrup.

Don't begrudge me the fun of seeing the butter ooze in between the crevices of the English muffin and the pleasure of its thick, salty taste lingering in my mouth after every bite.

There're just so many ways to have the meal.

I know of someone who eats the top layer of the scrambled eggs on its own and then balances the rest on top of the hot cake and eats them together. I also know of someone who orders an extra hash brown because potatoes are his thing. And then there's someone who puts jam on her hot cake and her muffin but without the butter.

Me, I love the butter on the hot cakes which I then eat with the (syrup). I love the butter on the muffin which I then eat on its own. The jam I have it sometimes with the sausage- I cut it up then knife a little of the jam on it, but sometimes I have it with the hash brown. If there's no jam left, I dip the hash brown into the syrup. Yeah, it is both sweet and salty at the same time, but that's just the way I have it, and that's just the way I fancy it.

For what must be many years now.