Hitherto for all the articles that I've written about Miss Brown, I've tried to write them in her voice, in her perspective, and from her viewpoint. Perhaps they might be wrong, perhaps they might be right- we don't know- no one can fully read another person's mind- but, having known Miss Brown for slightly under ten years, and having been on closer terms with her for the last five, suffice it to say that I understand her better, and that I understand what she hopes for, and yearns for.
A little background about Miss Brown first, though- for it is essential that we see her as a person. Not a person with a history- that, we all are- but a person with a childhood, a person with a family, a person with a life.
------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Brown is today an elderly lady pf just over 80 years old. Born (somewhere) in China during the 1930s, she came down as a child to the Peninsula with her father, mother and elder brother. The family lived (somewhere) on the east coast of the Peninsula. When it was that the little family moved back to China, we don't know- Miss Brown's information is vague on the timing- but when the family next came back down to the Peninsula, it was just her mother, elder brother, and herself.
Her father had passed away in China.
How her mother dealt with the loss, again, we don't know. Women, especially widows, had had to make choices that women of today no longer need to make. Let's just say it would not be surprising if Miss Brown's mother threw herself into hard work and raising up her children. We have no idea what it is her mother did when they lived on the east coast. All we know is that Miss Brown remembers going out to the fields with the other children and catching frogs, as well as fish in the river.
According to Miss Brown, thereafter came a season whereby she was always traveling up and down the Peninsula from the town where her mother was, to Singapore, where she stayed with a relative in the shophouse, and where she attended school. I suppose it was her mother who decided that she was unable to work and look after two children at the same time, so whilst her elder brother stayed up north for a while, she came down to live with a relative.
It was around this time, it is presumed, that Miss Brown's distinctive personality started to develop. Living with relatives in however large a shop house, is not the same as with one's own mother and brother, and one guesses that Miss Brown- as a child of 12 or 13- never felt like she was welcome in the relative's house. She doesn't mention how day to day living was like- perchance she doesn't remember- but she does mention playing badminton in the alley next to the house.
It was here, likely, and we can only hazard a guess, that she learnt to appreciate- or depreciate- the significance of possessions. It can be hard to explain without sounding like it is a disorder, so I shall leave it as it is, and we'll just have to accept that even though in extreme of cases it can become a disorder, for Miss Brown, learning not to place any feelings on her possessions was a form of survival. That did not mean that she didn't want anything. ON the contrary, she wanted it very, very badly, and would do anything to keep the thing with her.
I've digressed a little from Miss Brown's story, but this is important, for her love of possessing would play a pivotal role in her life much later.
It was here, likely, and we can only hazard a guess, that she learnt to appreciate- or depreciate- the significance of possessions. It can be hard to explain without sounding like it is a disorder, so I shall leave it as it is, and we'll just have to accept that even though in extreme of cases it can become a disorder, for Miss Brown, learning not to place any feelings on her possessions was a form of survival. That did not mean that she didn't want anything. ON the contrary, she wanted it very, very badly, and would do anything to keep the thing with her.
I've digressed a little from Miss Brown's story, but this is important, for her love of possessing would play a pivotal role in her life much later.
Miss Brown received a Chinese-based education, studying at a school down the road from her relative's home- and again, she changed schools several times- three, I think- but she did eventually manage to graduate with a certificate. Onwards to dressmaking and hair-dressing school she went thereafter, where it was likely the most interesting time of her life, learning with her class, interacting with her friends, going on special excursions and outings.
She met and married her husband in the 1960s. By then her mother and elder brother had been in the city for quite some time- at least a decade or so- and she was running her own salon somewhere on the eastern side of Singapore. Two years short of Independence, Miss Brown married.
She suffered a miscarriage in her early years of the marriage, and it was a trying time, especially since she lived with her in-laws (and their gossipy tongues) in their large shop house. It was a time where women who married were expected to have children, and any woman who didn't was subject to ridicule and sarcasm from the family. It was a challenging time for Miss Brown. Her husband worked in the Police, and he was hardly at home, so she was left on her own to handle the insults and taunts.
It was in such an environment that Miss Brown sought for her first child. There was a girl, she was told, whose parents had decided to put up for adoption, and so Miss Brown went to see the child. According to her, during that very first visit, the little girl of around six months old, grasped her finger and refused to let go.
For the rest of her life, no matter what or how the relations were between her and her adopted daughter, Miss Brown would cling to this memory. of the little girl (innately) desiring her, and choosing her to be her mother.
This would have done well had the girl understood what she meant to her adopted mother and the degree to which Miss Brown needed, and wanted, the girl in her life.
But she didn't.
A fact which did not surface until much, much, much later in life.
And so the girl grew up in the shop house together with her adopted mother, her adopted father, and all the relatives on her paternal side. She did not know she was adopted- her adoptive parents had changed her name to that of the family's. Whether or not the paternal side treated her differently, whether or not she had overhead any gossip, or whether or not she had been the victim of taunts by her cousins, we don't know- it has never been said.
What has been said, however, is that she discovered her adoption papers when she was all of 27-29 years old. It may have been earlier, but who knows?
Who knows what another person really thinks?
Who knows what is in the heart of another?
No one.
Not even a counsellor or a psychiatrist.
She didn't confront her adopted mother upon discovery of her adopted papers. Why, we don't know for sure, but it would not surprise anyone if there was a change in attitude towards her adopted parents thereafter.
Was it made obvious?
Were there tantrums or demands or anything whatsoever as in the description of acting out?
No, none of that.
None whatsoever.
But distance was quietly created.
Where once mother and daughter went to many places together and talked together, where once mother and daughter even dressed alike- when she was already 17- now there was a quiet distance.
There was an opportunity for her to work in another country. She took it. And in doing so, left behind her mother for close to six months. Miss Brown, who had never been separated from her daughter, and even her children, suddenly found her days having to be spent without her daughter by her side.
Even with the phone calls from her daughter on an almost daily basis, it must have been startling for her. What was said in those phone conversations, we don't know- there are no notes nor are there any diaries on those conversations- if they are, they are probably kept somewhere- but somehow they must have made Miss Brown feel for the very first time that her beloved daughter was starting to drift from her.
No surprise she would feel this way, for she had never been separated so far from her daughter- and for so long! What else would her daughter not be capable of, if she could bear to be away from her mother for so long?
And so Miss Brown decided not to tell her daughter that her birth father had passed on.
It would be years later that Miss Brown finally found out that not only did her daughter know that her birth father had died, not only did she know that Miss Brown had concealed the information from her, but also that she deeply resented her adoptive mother for not letting her see her birth father for the last time.
It would also be around this time years later that the deep-rooted resentment the girl had towards her mother finally showed its claws and horns, with previously unheard-of anger, desire, greed and hatred unveiling itself.
By then the girl was no longer in communication with her mother.
The separation was, shall we say, abrupt- very, very abrupt.
How shall we say it?
This is a girl whom you have been living with for no less than four and a half decades. All through her childhood, her teenage years, her young adulthood, her adulthood, all these years you and her have been together- with bouts of separation, yes- but still a bond between mother and daughter.
This is a girl whom you have loved and accepted with her personality, her quirks and her desires. When she told you she was in a relationship with a married man, you disapproved, but gradually came round to it anyway, accepting him as part of your life, having him over for meals and inviting him to come along for special occasions, placating your husband when he disapproved, even going to their apartment to recover when you fell ill.
This is a girl whom you believed would take care of you whenever you needed her- so much so that when you had an ear infection, you told the doctor (proudly) that you wouldn't be going home but your daughter would be coming to fetch you to her place to recuperate for a few days, which eventually turned out to be a few weeks, then a few months.
This is also the girl whom you had been seeing day on day even as your other child handled his career because you held the position of power in his workplace and so decided that it would be good to have her join him and herself in the workplace where it would then become a family business and that, even though she lived with her married man boyfriend, through the business, the family would be kept together.
Miss Brown never expected the separation- it had not occurred to her that such a possibility could happen.
At that time she, her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend had been living together in the same apartment for close to three years. Sure, it was a little cramped, and there was much noise, and her daughter didn't tell her everything, but she had gotten used to their routine. Mornings she would wake up and wait as they rushed around getting ready for work. Evenings sometimes she would prepare dinner and they would come home to eat. At other times they would buy dinner back for her.
For a while, Miss Brown thought that It might have been the Stroke that caused her daughter to move out of the house and leave. After all, not everyone had the capacity to be a caregiver and look after someone whilst needing to work. And then she thought it might have been because of the medical expenses brought about by the Stroke. Or that it might have been because her daughter felt ashamed and responsible for not noticing that her mother was suffering the onset of stroke and told her to sleep it off.
But even if she did feel the pressure, why did she wait till three months after her therapy commenced to announce her departure, and have it happen so abruptly right after?
Why did she not notice that her mother was in fact getting better and that she was more independent and did not need her help to get around? Yes, in the earlier days- the first few days after coming home from the hospital- she had needed her help- even to the point of simply opening her mouth and letting herself be fed soft fruit. But that was not needed anymore. Her therapy was good enough that she could go out together with them, have meals together, she could even cook for them if she tried.
Why did her daughter not see that?
And why did her daughter take the process of separation so literal and so methodical that everything was done step by step?
We do not know whether it would have been less painful had the separation- or as some of us like to call it- abandonment- been 100% immediate- it might have been a worse shock for her- but whatever it was, for Miss Brown, finding out day by day that the opportunities for interaction, and communication, were decreasing and becoming lesser and lesser, was a very painful reminder that her daughter no longer wanted her, no longer wished to speak to her, didn't care how she was anymore, and was totally done with her.
She met and married her husband in the 1960s. By then her mother and elder brother had been in the city for quite some time- at least a decade or so- and she was running her own salon somewhere on the eastern side of Singapore. Two years short of Independence, Miss Brown married.
She suffered a miscarriage in her early years of the marriage, and it was a trying time, especially since she lived with her in-laws (and their gossipy tongues) in their large shop house. It was a time where women who married were expected to have children, and any woman who didn't was subject to ridicule and sarcasm from the family. It was a challenging time for Miss Brown. Her husband worked in the Police, and he was hardly at home, so she was left on her own to handle the insults and taunts.
It was in such an environment that Miss Brown sought for her first child. There was a girl, she was told, whose parents had decided to put up for adoption, and so Miss Brown went to see the child. According to her, during that very first visit, the little girl of around six months old, grasped her finger and refused to let go.
For the rest of her life, no matter what or how the relations were between her and her adopted daughter, Miss Brown would cling to this memory. of the little girl (innately) desiring her, and choosing her to be her mother.
This would have done well had the girl understood what she meant to her adopted mother and the degree to which Miss Brown needed, and wanted, the girl in her life.
But she didn't.
A fact which did not surface until much, much, much later in life.
And so the girl grew up in the shop house together with her adopted mother, her adopted father, and all the relatives on her paternal side. She did not know she was adopted- her adoptive parents had changed her name to that of the family's. Whether or not the paternal side treated her differently, whether or not she had overhead any gossip, or whether or not she had been the victim of taunts by her cousins, we don't know- it has never been said.
What has been said, however, is that she discovered her adoption papers when she was all of 27-29 years old. It may have been earlier, but who knows?
Who knows what another person really thinks?
Who knows what is in the heart of another?
No one.
Not even a counsellor or a psychiatrist.
She didn't confront her adopted mother upon discovery of her adopted papers. Why, we don't know for sure, but it would not surprise anyone if there was a change in attitude towards her adopted parents thereafter.
Was it made obvious?
Were there tantrums or demands or anything whatsoever as in the description of acting out?
No, none of that.
None whatsoever.
But distance was quietly created.
Where once mother and daughter went to many places together and talked together, where once mother and daughter even dressed alike- when she was already 17- now there was a quiet distance.
There was an opportunity for her to work in another country. She took it. And in doing so, left behind her mother for close to six months. Miss Brown, who had never been separated from her daughter, and even her children, suddenly found her days having to be spent without her daughter by her side.
Even with the phone calls from her daughter on an almost daily basis, it must have been startling for her. What was said in those phone conversations, we don't know- there are no notes nor are there any diaries on those conversations- if they are, they are probably kept somewhere- but somehow they must have made Miss Brown feel for the very first time that her beloved daughter was starting to drift from her.
No surprise she would feel this way, for she had never been separated so far from her daughter- and for so long! What else would her daughter not be capable of, if she could bear to be away from her mother for so long?
And so Miss Brown decided not to tell her daughter that her birth father had passed on.
It would be years later that Miss Brown finally found out that not only did her daughter know that her birth father had died, not only did she know that Miss Brown had concealed the information from her, but also that she deeply resented her adoptive mother for not letting her see her birth father for the last time.
It would also be around this time years later that the deep-rooted resentment the girl had towards her mother finally showed its claws and horns, with previously unheard-of anger, desire, greed and hatred unveiling itself.
By then the girl was no longer in communication with her mother.
The separation was, shall we say, abrupt- very, very abrupt.
How shall we say it?
This is a girl whom you have been living with for no less than four and a half decades. All through her childhood, her teenage years, her young adulthood, her adulthood, all these years you and her have been together- with bouts of separation, yes- but still a bond between mother and daughter.
This is a girl whom you have loved and accepted with her personality, her quirks and her desires. When she told you she was in a relationship with a married man, you disapproved, but gradually came round to it anyway, accepting him as part of your life, having him over for meals and inviting him to come along for special occasions, placating your husband when he disapproved, even going to their apartment to recover when you fell ill.
This is a girl whom you believed would take care of you whenever you needed her- so much so that when you had an ear infection, you told the doctor (proudly) that you wouldn't be going home but your daughter would be coming to fetch you to her place to recuperate for a few days, which eventually turned out to be a few weeks, then a few months.
This is also the girl whom you had been seeing day on day even as your other child handled his career because you held the position of power in his workplace and so decided that it would be good to have her join him and herself in the workplace where it would then become a family business and that, even though she lived with her married man boyfriend, through the business, the family would be kept together.
Miss Brown never expected the separation- it had not occurred to her that such a possibility could happen.
At that time she, her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend had been living together in the same apartment for close to three years. Sure, it was a little cramped, and there was much noise, and her daughter didn't tell her everything, but she had gotten used to their routine. Mornings she would wake up and wait as they rushed around getting ready for work. Evenings sometimes she would prepare dinner and they would come home to eat. At other times they would buy dinner back for her.
For a while, Miss Brown thought that It might have been the Stroke that caused her daughter to move out of the house and leave. After all, not everyone had the capacity to be a caregiver and look after someone whilst needing to work. And then she thought it might have been because of the medical expenses brought about by the Stroke. Or that it might have been because her daughter felt ashamed and responsible for not noticing that her mother was suffering the onset of stroke and told her to sleep it off.
But even if she did feel the pressure, why did she wait till three months after her therapy commenced to announce her departure, and have it happen so abruptly right after?
Why did she not notice that her mother was in fact getting better and that she was more independent and did not need her help to get around? Yes, in the earlier days- the first few days after coming home from the hospital- she had needed her help- even to the point of simply opening her mouth and letting herself be fed soft fruit. But that was not needed anymore. Her therapy was good enough that she could go out together with them, have meals together, she could even cook for them if she tried.
Why did her daughter not see that?
And why did her daughter take the process of separation so literal and so methodical that everything was done step by step?
We do not know whether it would have been less painful had the separation- or as some of us like to call it- abandonment- been 100% immediate- it might have been a worse shock for her- but whatever it was, for Miss Brown, finding out day by day that the opportunities for interaction, and communication, were decreasing and becoming lesser and lesser, was a very painful reminder that her daughter no longer wanted her, no longer wished to speak to her, didn't care how she was anymore, and was totally done with her.
------------------------------------------------------------
What actually happened in the gradual abandonment, I shall leave for the next article- this article is already a very long one- and you may judge for yourself if the methodical, calculated process was any better for her.